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Jan 28, 2014

so... the war rages

it's been a while since i've posted anything... see, this is where i become conflicted. i know that the universe doesn't revolve around my blog and no one has time to sit around to constantly refresh my blog for my next new post but... i feel like that; i feel this pressure to be current and relevant and present. i know that no one cares that the last five, six, seven posts have been blog tours, cover reveals, blitzes—all promo posts, but like i said, the pressure. i feel like i need to post something other than that because if i don't, everything becomes robotic and unattached. but at the same time, there are some readers who don't necessarily care about the personal stuff behind the blog. so... the war rages.

i just... it's so many things. i haven't really wanted to blog for a long time now. i feel that blogging has become the thing to do just because everyone's doing it and because of that, i sorta don't wanna do it anymore. it's lost its appeal. it's hard to find unique and original ideas/posts nowadays. everything's all the same. everything feels like a competition to be the loudest, to be the biggest fan, to be the biggest promoter, to be the biggest and the bestest and because everyone's posting the same kind of stuff, it's hard to not get drowned out. and maybe i'm throwing a fit because books over boys is fading. i don't know. i just... want to leave this world for a bit but how do i do that when i've been all in for so long now?

so much has changed and is changing and... i'm not a big fan of change, i fight it all the time because it scares me. therefore, i adapt slower to the changes. it's 2014 but my mind is still in like... a 2012 mindset.

last year, i think i shrunk more and more into myself consciously and subconsciously. i know that every book isn't gonna rock everyone's boat and no two people ever read the same book but i still became wary of recommending books because i didn't want someone to come back after reading a book i recommended and loved to shattered pieces to be all like, "meh, that was just okay... i don't know why you love it so much..." it hasn't happened but that's what i'm scared of so to avoid that, i eventually kept to myself more and more and because of that, i felt like there wasn't much of a point in... promoting and posting about books anymore. i don't want the judgment but it's like it's there, crawling beneath the surface. it's just that being half a foot in the publishing world has shown me that there are voices, a lot of them and that's fine, i get that but... i don't have the loudest or mightiest voice so it's tough to be assertive and to stand ten feet tall when i only feel about two.

i've often wondered if what i have done or am doing was or is ever enough and i know, any push from any corner helps an author tremendously but when does it start to sound like spam? or... what's the point? i don't want what i do to be meaningless or have it blur into one big blob. i don't know where all this is coming from. maybe it's because i'm at this point in my life where i truly don't know where i want to go or do and i'm just feeling a whole lot of lost and a tad bit hopeless and a bunch of scared and it's somehow bleeding into my blog stuff but... anyway... i think this was way too deep than i really intended. obvi, i've been too much in my head lately and i'm scratching for a release.

3 comments:

  1. Aw, you sweet girl. You may feel only 2ft tall, but I promise you that you are well-known,'respected, and liked. You have so much influence, and your enthusiasm is infectious.

    I feel this way a lot. I've had to learn to distance myself, step away, and do more things in the real world. Which, based on your FB pics, you have tons of fun in the real world!

    You matter. Never forget that.

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  2. Oh, Momo! I know how you feel. As an author, I've felt a little lost at times...invisible even...but then this sweet girl named Momo retweeted my tweets.

    I think you should do whatever makes you happy, but I want you to know that you've made a difference to me. Whenever I see your name or Books Over Boys, I feel a little happier, and I think..."There's Momo!"

    Sometimes when everyone's yelling, it's the softest voices that are heard. ♥

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  3. Hi, there Momo. I've been a silent reader of your blog for some time now. Don't get discouraged girl. I was feeling the same thing last year and decided I need some time away from the blog. It's sad to see a few other bloggers decided to just leave the blogosphere altogether. Hang in there girl!

    ReplyDelete

Thanks so much for stopping by Books Over Boys! You're a fun little lollipop triple dipped in awesomesauce. ;p